Yasmeen sat cross-legged, her head propped on an arm that was in turn propped on her knee, alone and apart with just those ever-meandering thoughts to keep her company. Most of the women were sitting around in relaxed circles of excited chatter and joyous laughter. The mosque was buzzing. It was the third night of Ramadan, and the taraweeh prayers had ended about an hour ago, but still the women lingered. Yasmeen had indulged in her share of talking too, but now she found herself growing weary of it. She sat quietly in the comforting darkness of the room, content to listen indiscriminately to the conversations until it was time for her family to head home.
She was roused suddenly from her internal wanderings when she heard a tentative voice coming from somewhere in front of her. “Sisters, can I ask you something?” Yasmeen didn’t hear an answer, just a cacophony of continuous chatter from the ladies assembled in a messy circle before her.
She looked up and heard the voice again. “Sisters, I need to ask you something if you don’t mind.” It was the woman with the frail voice, a convert, new to the Muslim community. She was extremely tall and gaunt. Her face had a pale, sickly quality to it, and the way she held herself suggested emotional and not just physical fragility. This time, her request did not go unnoticed. When she saw that she had the attention of the four or five women sitting nearest to her, she continued. “Is it common…” and now she hesitated, then tried again. “Is it common for men to be rough with their wives?”
Yasmeen froze, shocked. There was so much packed into that single statement that her brain nearly refused to process it. The woman had just recently been married to an imposing giant of a man Yasmeen had privately nicknamed Bear. She had been to their wedding, a simple thing really, in that same mosque in which she now sat indulging in random thoughts. So she was surprised to hear Bear’s wife voice those particular concerns.
The sisters, however, were not as perturbed. One laughed lightly and waved her hands carelessly about. “Oh, they always do that. Arab men, they are rough!” Her voice was heavily accented, and she clapped a meaty hand upon the convert’s arm. “My husband, he is Arab too and he is the same. He likes to grab if he wants something. That is how they are!”
“But just like that? They will get angry just like that?”
“Yes, don’t worry. Don’t worry! Just be nice, be sweet, and after an hour, two hours, they are okay again. Arab men, they love their wives so much, but they are rough. It is their way.”
“Do they hit…?”
“Ahh, don’t worry! You know, sister, Arab men have a temper! But really they love their women. You will see, insha Allah, everything will be okay.”
Yasmeen nearly screamed in surprised agony. The women were now laughing at a joke one of them had shared, and the convert woman was smiling tentatively along with them. Yasmeen sat there trembling, debating whether to interrupt. It wasn’t her place to do so. The woman hadn’t asked her opinion. And she was young, too young to offer her unsolicited advice. But here this woman was, voicing her pain, and these women were telling her it was all right? Worse, that it was normal? No, she wanted to say. No, it isn’t normal. She sat trembling with rage, eavesdropping on a conversation best left unheard and suddenly wanting desperately to be away from the stifling darkness of the masjid.
Thanks for this piece. It’s astounding what men can get away with in the Muslim community and how women accept it as “just the way it is.” It’s unfortunate that women have to experience this so often that they internalize it, subsequently making less of their suffering. What’s worse is that they portray it as something acceptable in Islam, when in reality, it’s abuse and is an incredibly despicable act.
By: Asmaa on September 16, 2007
at 12:21 am
There’s also a tendency to whitewash over the ails of our community when we speak to converts. It’s extremely insulting. Yes, we know there are serious problems, but we’re all going to pretend everything is A-okay lest poor convert is frightened away from Islam as a result.
By: safiyyah on September 16, 2007
at 1:35 am
Thank you for writing this Safiyyah. I agree with both your and Asmaa’s observations. I would like to add that part of the problem is how the extended family networks of people do not do more to oppose domestic abuse which I was taught is *haram* (and I don’t use that term flippantly). When people in these family networks observe the abuse, I note that it is often the case that they seek to justify their inaction by making excuses like: “it’s not our business” and “we don’t want to come between a husband and wife” and so on. While these can be valid reasons not to “butt in”, in cases of domestic abuse, it is criminal of us not to intervene with some wisdom, i.e. without humilating the husband, embarassing the wife, mortifying any children, and the like.
What further complicates matters is when there are multiple cases of domestic abuse happening at the same time within the same extended family so that people feel unable, unjustified, hypocritical to say anything to others. And few want the shame of getting the law involved against their family.
There are other problems too. This is a very messy state of affairs. Insha’ Allah, I think with sisters like you discussing it through thinking and writing, the situation is improving. Or at least the ground is being cleared, the foundations are being prepared, so to speak for things to get better.
By: Rizwan on September 16, 2007
at 6:19 pm
i think we need more men to speak about this. especially men in positions of power and authority.
but thank you for your thoughts, rizwan. we often feel free to critique other people’s parenting skills, but loathe to point out that people can be lousy spouses. sometimes i wonder why that is.
By: safiyyah on September 18, 2007
at 1:57 am
Really interesting peice…I’ve read a lot of other stuff posted here, but I don’t know why I feel compelled to comment on this one. Probably because the prose does not overpower the issues which you are trying to convey.
There are a lot of issues involved in domestic abuse in the Muslim community. One problem is that we don’t agree with the solutions offered in the society in which we live, since they often result in trauma and the breakdown of families. That being said, we have, as of yet, failed to provide a viable alternative.
I don’t think that our community is still indifferent about accepting domestic abuse as normal or a non-issue. In my experience, many women who have been abused themselves have stayed in their marriages because they are economically and socially disadvantaged, but having raised their daughters here, they would be loathe to accept it for them. Even abusive men, for that matter, would not allow that behaviour to continue with their own daughters.
It’s very true what Rizwan says about the reluctance to come “between husband and wife” and the fear of being seen as interfering. Women in muslim communities face the added ostracism of having supposedly “disobeyed” their husbands, and exposed the “secrets” of their homes to outsiders, both of which are sins. This comes down to a lack of knowledge about our own religion, and we shouldn’t allow those around us, and ourselves, to be ignorant of the rights of both spouses to seek intervention and counselling in a marriage. Perhaps the brothers should take an active role in engaging and educating each other on this issue?
In so many situations we find reverts are the ones who are most likely to be in abusive marriages, and are afraid to find fault for fear of disobeying Allah. It is so unfair. I saw unfold before my very eyes a situation of abuse and neglect and many brothers and sisters were counselling the revert sister involved to “be patient” and “make allowances” for her husband. I was shocked and heartbroken, and I truly understand how Yasmeen feels in the story.
Safiyyah, it’s interesting that you note that parents are seen as open to criticism and advice, but not marriages. Maybe it goes back to whole “village to raise a child” idea? Whereas marriage is seen as a private affair?
On a side note, I want to applaud the quality writing that appears on this blog. Every piece is clearly a polished, carefully chosen piece of writing. Keep up the good work insha Allah.
Ramadhan Mubarak!
By: Asiya on September 18, 2007
at 11:24 am
[...] writes of the pleas of a reverted Muslimah after prayer. She looked up and heard the voice again. “Sisters, I need to ask you [...]
By: After Prayer at Ijtema on September 18, 2007
at 11:40 am
You’ve singled out Arab men in this post. Do you believe this is a problem more common in Arab communities, or were they just used as an example to illustrate a broader problem?
By: Faraz on September 18, 2007
at 11:31 pm
It is a broader problem, I think. And within South Asians it goes beyond the muslim community and extends to the non muslims as well as illustrated by this article:
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/story/2006/11/03/domestic-abuse.html
AT a recent event at a local masjid, an active uncle stood up appealed to all attendees to treat domestic abuse of women and kids around them as a serious issue. Furthur I was surprised to find this “home” for abused women on the west and east sides of the GTA:
http://www.muslimwelfarecentre.com/mwh.htm
I dont know what the solution to removing ingrained cultural practices of abuse is? One solution is education of the abuser and the abused. The problem is that the abuser rarely will be open to education and the abused ( even if educated) will feel pressured not to reveal abuse toa third party due to social realities specially if a woman is new to the country and finds it hard to be independent-and yes while I think the problem might be magnified for converts, it is also magnified for new immigrant wives)….
By: Din on September 19, 2007
at 5:56 am
“Just the way it is” is all too common a reason for most of the things people do wrong with their loved ones, or those who are under their care. Its appalling
By: Sumera on September 19, 2007
at 10:15 am
I was going to mention the situation with the Sikh community in BC, as Din mentioned. I was just living in Vancouver for a year, and it seemed that there were always tonnes of highly publicized cases of domestic violence in the Sikh-dominated areas (e.g. Surrey, Langley), including a recent murder of a Sikh school principal by her husband. Only now, after decades of tolerating it, are people starting to speak out against it.
By: Faraz on September 19, 2007
at 11:01 pm
between 2005 – 2006, 3 % of calls placed to the assaulted women’s helpline http://www.awhl.org were in/ requested arabic; 4 % tamil; 4 % urdu; 23 % farsi — fair to say the problem is not specific to arabs / muslims.
that said: this is only the proportion that seeks help — many never get there.
definitely informative, the stats in p.6 of their autumn 2006 newsletter:
http://awhl.org/newsletter/Autumn2006.pdf
By: zainab on November 8, 2007
at 4:42 pm